Riff Traxx
by DoubleXXCross
Summary: Sonic, Shadow and Silver discuss fan-fiction. :: "“...What is this website?” “Oh, it’s just Fan-Fiction Dot Net.” “...Are they taking any drugs or anything?” “Don’t know.” “...Are you?” ::


A/N: The goal? Create a rant in-character, using nothing but speech. The result? This. (Oh, and _Sonic the Merhog_ is an actual fan-fiction. I don't intend to offend the writer or any of its readers by mentioning it.)

* * *

"Do you ever wonder why so many people do that?"

"Do what?"

"Write high-school AUs. I mean, they're completely cliché, have almost nothing to do with the source material unless they can find a really good way to twist the story back into that material, everybody's out of character, everybody's using the same plots to write them – it, it seems like a waste of talent, right?"

"Hmm... Maybe people write them because they're trying to feel closer at home with the characters?"

"Then why are the majority of these idiots middle-school kids? Surely they'd de-age them and put them there if they wanted to feel close at home."

"The majority of anime characters are teenagers anyway, and it makes more sense for them to be written into a high-school than de-aged and thrown into a middle-school. That would make them original characters."

"Yeah, and nobody wants those on FFDN. Hah hah hah hah... But seriously, this isn't just anime characters. It's game characters, movie characters, drama characters – heck, have you seen here?"

"...is that a _Pirates of the Caribbean_ high-school AU?" (referring to _High School Life_ by Masqued)

"Check the title."

"They didn't even live in an era with high-schools."

"Exactly."

"Were they thinking when they wrote this?"

"Nope."

"Will likes _Star Trek _– he doesn't even know what a TV is, you moron! They hadn't even been invented yet!"

"See what I mean? These things are everywhere, especially where it doesn't make sense for them to be there at all! I mean, that might be why we call them 'alternate universes', but come on!"

"Technically though, doesn't the phrase 'alternate universe' justify it?"

"You can't justify a high-school AU unless its plot actually has something to do with the original universe the work is derived from. Otherwise, it's just an excuse to write an original story, by cutting-and-pasting personalities – sometimes just names and faces – into your plotline."

"God-damnit... it definitely doesn't make sense in our world. I mean, us being anthropomorphic cartoons could get you some plot about how we got into high-school, how humans think of us, what happens if we use our abilities in class and such... nobody thinks about those plot-points, right?"

"Right. They ignore everything that could make a decent plot. It's always about relationships, cliques and other junk like that."

"And usually the yaoi and shounen-ai stories happen in fiction written in-universe. How does that work?"

"Do they think we're gay or something?"

"In real life?"

"Well... depends entirely on the character, doesn't it? Especially if they always act like it."

"But if the character is already established as straight..."

"The funny thing is, if they're straight, people don't make press conferences out of it. If they're gay, everybody's like, 'Whoa! I totally knew it!' and it's all over the news, people start analysing the work and saying that they're a shining beacon for homosexuals everywhere. It all works on the principle that if somebody's straight, that's how everybody is, so they don't bother to actually confirm it and stem the flow of doujin and fan-fiction."

"Oh, so that's why fan-girls always write people gay? Because they're waiting for confirmation that they are to justify it but can't wait to satisfy their evil, tainted minds, so they take matters into their own hands and manipulate the characters under their will to get the results desired?"

"What?"

"They do it because nobody's said no yet?"

"Yeah. Least, that's what I think. Plus, since yaoi is mostly restricted to games and anime, which all come from Japan, we're all bisexual as default anyway."

"Creepy."

"So it doesn't matter if I leap into your lap and plant hickeys all over you in fan-fiction, because that's what I want to do in canon while I ogle Rouge's ample chest behind her back. You get what I'm saying?"

"What, that Rouge's boobs are so big you can see them from behind?"

"Of course not."

"I know. Kidding."

"Her boobs aren't that big."

"Oh, and everybody seems to think she's a D-cup."

"Well, she's a video game character and they apparently must all have D-cups. There's no justification, only that she's in video games – oh, and American comic books. That's the other reason."

"While small, realistically-angular chests abound in our series, they still uphold that law in everything else."

"Anyway, back to the previous point, we're canonically bisexual and either want to do it with everybody else while still with our girlfriends-"

"-we have girlfriends?"

"-yes, we have girlfriends apparently, don't know when we got them – or we're secretly devoted to a member of the other sex and never tell anyone in fear that they might reject us until the point this person writes their fan-fiction, in which we suddenly come out, nobody rejects us at all – in fact, everybody else supports it because no other relationship matters at the moment and they're all closeted too with surprisingly liberal opinions so it's 'okay' – and the cherry trees are all blooming so that by the time we capture that other person's heart the petals will fall and surround us and hey! Love is not unrequited with the main coupling! And such..."

"That... sounds way too convenient for me to handle at the moment. Excuse me."

"Oh, you getting a drink?"

"That, and I need to clear my head for a second. Fan-girls are insane."

"Be glad I'm not talking about the ones who are grossed out by heterosexual fan-fiction. Now that's creepy – they can't even let their own gender have a relationship with their favourite characters... He's gone. Oh... Oh, wow."

"What is it?"

"Oh, hi, Silver. I just found this. Take a look, have a laugh."

"...What is this website?"

"Oh, it's just Fan-Fiction Dot Net."

"...Are they taking any drugs or anything?"

"Don't know."

"...Are you?"

"Of course, not! I'm all fine."

"I'm back- Hey, Silver... he made you look at the computer?"

"Yep. I'm quite frankly disturbed at what I'm seeing here. How did he find this website in the first place?"

"Amy told us. After that, he couldn't get off it. It's like the time he was addicted to those Sonic VS Mario movies on Newgrounds, screaming out how inaccurately-done all the fighting was, that they didn't fight in Green Hill Zone, that was Meta Knight he fought there and all that junk."

"Hey! If you watched some of those movies, you'd complain about those pathetic fan-boy dreamers too! God, the things we have to put up with! At least some of the fan-art's good."

"Yeah, that's until he sees the doujin. What did you find, anyway?"

"Take a look."

"'_Sonic the Merhog'_... no actual summary –put in a fracking summary, kid, that's why that part's there – needs OCs, apparently... pairing, Sonic and Elise. Sonic, you've never even talked to Elise. This timeline, anyway."

"This timeline?"

"This is another AU fan-fiction. Apparently, even she's not safe from fans."

"I thought everybody hated that game and hated her."

"Game?"

"Yeah, but the Sonelise shippers also have the only actual evidence of a romantic relationship shown in the games when it comes to me and love. The only people with more evidence on the game pairings are the Knuxouge shippers."

"Oh. Well, considering her kiss brought you back to life, then of course they have actual evidence. They have a game character that was willing to kiss you."

"Character?"

"Oh, hah, hah, hah, real funny, Shadow. I'll have you know lots of girls wanna kiss me."

"Amy."

"Not having her."

"Who do you want that wants to kiss you, then?"

"...Touché, Shadow. Touché. But you've only won the round."

"...What are you guys on about? And what are shippers, anyway?"

"Shippers are people who 'ship' characters – like to put them in relationships with other characters. 'Ship' comes from the end of the word 'relationship', see?"

"Vaguely."

"Umm... That's the simplest part, Silver."

"Gosh, darn it."

"Hey. You. Swear for once in your life. It'll make you feel better."

"Yeah, it helps Shadow here blow a lot of steam. Of course, I wouldn't be caught dead swearing, would I?"

"Says the hedgehog who so amazingly turned potty-mouthed when Eggman's robotic snail shot glue at you and messed up the buckle on his shoes."

"What if you got glue in your boosters?"

"...You win this round, faker."

"I'm not the faker, you are!"

"I came first!"

"You're just a recolour!"

"We didn't even meet until I was fifty-two and you were fourteen going on fifteen! How the heck am I a recolour!"

"Guys, guys! The explanation, again, please?"

"..."

"..."

"...Right, sorry. Anyway, these people have the freedom to put us in romantic couplings-"

"Or threesomes!"

"-yeah, or threeso- ...Sonic, you're a sick bastard some days, you know that?"

"Yes?"

"They put us in these couplings through a variety of media. There's fan-fiction, fan-art, AMVs, doujin, web-comics, the whole shebang. And most of them ignore all of the things that keep us apart in the games that SEGA publish about our lives, or the comic books about us and those weird kids we met over in the far Western continent, or the TV series that the humans make. Even words from the creators themselves can't stop the fan-fiction flowing in – in fact, sometimes they serve to make it a lot worse. Especially if somebody is revealed to be gay."

"'I have justification!' yell the fans, and continue writing."

"Some of these fans are so maniacal that they think the characters in their 'one true pairing' – their favourite couple – are actually in love in the original work itself and start websites showing evidence and stuff. There are wars going on all the time over which pairing is best."

"Like the HarryXHermione shippers versus the HarryXGinny shippers last year when the last _Harry Potter_ book came out. The Internet was in chaos."

"Well, it did come completely out of left field!"

"Oh, ho, ho! You were one of the denied, weren't you, Shadow? Hmm? A HarryXHermione shipper?"

"Hey, he would've been better for her than Ron, at any case."

"Oh, so you weren't bothered by HarryXGinny?"

"Of course not. RonXHermione."

"Are you guys going to finish your explanation?"

"Oh, well, some fans don't like the straight pairings. They make us gay."

"Gay? What's that mean?"

"You don't know what the word 'gay' means?"

"He is from two-hundred years in the future, you know."

"Oh. It means 'homosexual'. And 'happy'."

"That's what it originally meant. Then homosexuals applied it to themselves because they were happy about their sexual orientation and proud of it. But all the fan-girls think that gay people do is do it with each other."

"'Do it'?"

"Sex."

"Eww... do they write this?"

"It's called slash-fiction. Or yaoi if the original work originates in Japan."

"Even more eww."

"Don't worry, Silver, you're not subject to slash most of the time. Usually fan-fiction with you in is more romantic, funny and concentrates rather on the emotional changes between you and your lover than the sex life."

"All me and Shadow do is have sex, though... not in real life, you understand, just in fan-fiction."

"Although apparently I top."

"Are you kidding? I'm much more manly than you are."

"Umm..."

"Right, right."

"There's fan-fiction with me in it?"

"That's correct."

"Well, since I'm not born for a hundred-and-eighty-six years, I suppose they technically don't have to pay for using my personality in their work. Do you guys sue often?"

"Are you kidding? Sonic welcomes much everything that makes somebody in the world wear a big smile. Whether it's his reviewers or rabid yaoi fans, as long as somebody smiles, he's okay with it. Except if Eggman smiles. Then it's ass-kicking time."

"Wow. What do the reviewers review, exactly?"

"The games. They often complain that the graphics are bad, or that the voice actors are rubbish, or that the controls are skewed, or that the concepts don't work, or even that the storyline is horrible and filled with plot-holes."

"Even though it's exactly what happened and Sonic saved their lives and those of both planets' population through the events of the game?"

"Exactly. The things we do for idiots."

"Moving back to the original subject..."

"Oh, yeah, high-school AUs suck big-time."

"That wasn't the original subject, was it?"

"I dunno, how far back are we reaching? We could go on about how you can't do Chaos Control because you're only a hedgehog and wait, I'm the faker and ooh, can we go on about the boss battles? I loooove boss battles."

"Maybe you're thinking about when I started following Shadow around because Eggman-Nega came back!"

"Or maybe when you called me the Iblis Trigger!"

"...I don't remember that."

"Or maybe the original subject was 'Sonic the Merhog'. I can't recall."

"I can't imagine life as a merhog."

"I don't think it's very fun to be a merman or mermaid, personally. Merhog sounds a lot worse."

"Wonder what it's like to be a mermaid, then?"

"I knew somebody once who was half-porpoise."

"Did they talk about it?"

"No tail."

"Oh."

"She was kinda cute, though. Wore glasses."

"You're a glasses man, Sonic?"

"Yep!"

"Where did we start, anyway?"

"I have no idea. What did start mean, again?"

"Exactly... I'm getting another drink."

* * *

A/N: For an indicator as to who's saying what exactly, Sonic is ranting to Shadow, Shadow walks off to get a drink, Silver comes in, Shadow comes back and starts an exposition directed at Silver with Sonic's varied comments, and then suddenly Sonic and Silver do a _Lucky Star_ and Shadow needs another drink. Oh, and Sonic mentions Midorikawa Lettuce.


End file.
